Wishing You Were Here
by TablesTurned
Summary: Post- JD. Its a little more light hearted than most...not sure if thats a good thing. Gibbs finally comes to terms with how he feels about Jen's death. Hope you like!


**Title: Wishing You Were Here  
****Rating: T  
****Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, because if I did, I would never have put any of you through JD…even though I'm writing about it now… Also I don't own the song. That belongs to the marvelous Andrew Lloyd Weber. **

**A/N: I can't believe I'm actually writing a post-JD fic, I never thought I would do that but I was listening to this song and it wouldn't get out of my head and even though I didn't want to, I was writing a story to it, so since I had to go through the torture of writing this I am making you all go through the torture of reading it. Enjoy! Also the song is - Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from The Phantom of the Opera.**

**Oh and the line where it says: You were once a friend and lover – lover is really supposed to say father…**

**Wishing You Were Here**

_You were once my one companion  
You were all that mattered  
_

Staring down at the bottom of his empty glass, Gibbs sat in silence in his basement and let his mind wander to the events of the pass forty-eight hours. First there was receiving the shocking news of Jen's death, then having to burn down her house to cover up how she really died, having to go to her funeral and having the only people he could really call family taken away from him. He never would have thought it would be him attending her funeral. In his mind he had always thought if one of them had to go first it would have been him; she had always been the politician whereas he was always going with his gut, not that she didn't take risks, but when she did they were usually more calculated instead of like his impulsive ones. She could listen to reason – for the most part – whereas he would tune someone out when he didn't want to hear anymore, making him sometimes miss things that could have prevented near death experiences. And that was basically the bottom line; he had always gotten into trouble and Jen had always bailed him out…_Not anymore_ he thought.

_You were once a friend and lover  
Then my world was shattered_

Gibbs took a moment and looked around the room, and for the first time that night he realized he couldn't look at a single spot without memories overwhelming him. He wouldn't ever be able to sleep down, at least not anytime soon, so he figured he had two options: one he could move or two he could sleep in the one place he knew that did not hold many memories. Figuring it was too late in the night for the first, he decided the latter would be a better option. So with one final look around his basement, Gibbs walked up the stairs. He finally made it to his bedroom knowing that the walls didn't have much to talk about it there; Jenny and he had never spent much time in there except for occasionally slumber, and that was all they ever did in there, they slept. He went to the bed, almost feeling a pull towards it, and slipped in between the sheets. They felt foreign to him but as he pulled a pillow towards him while draping an arm over it, the memories of holding Jen in his arms the same way made him feel right at home again.

Wishing you were somehow here again  
Wishing you were somehow near

_**Jenny and Jethro were walking along a long a path made through a forest of trees. She was pulled in close to his body by the arm that had managed snaked its way around her waist. Gibbs kissed the top of her head and she smiled though he couldn't see it. In one quick movement she pulled out of his grasp and wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled smugly at her and she smirked. They stayed like that for a moment before Jen slowly went up on the tips of her toes, her lips hovering over Jethro's. Then in the blink of an eye she we running up the path, her laugh carrying in the wind. Gibbs loved the sound of her laugh, if he had the choice he would sit and listen to it all day. Eventually he caught up with her at the end of the path. He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and rested his head on her shoulder. **_

"_**Jethro, do you see that through the trees," she asked pointing towards the break in the trees. She untangled herself from his arms and walked closer to get a better look. "Come check this out." **_

_**He walked to where she was standing and followed her gaze. "I think we should check it out," she started walking towards it. **_

"_**I don't think so Jen."**_

"_**Oh come on Jethro, it's an old, abandoned diner in the middle of no where. It could be fun," she said suggestively. Gibbs was never good at refusing those sorts of things so begrudgingly he followed Jen in the direction of the diner.**_

_**Not waiting for him at all, she walked through door. When Gibbs came in the scene had changed. Instead of the Jenny that was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with her hair down, it was now Director Jen Shepard wearing a blue collared shirt and slacks with her hair in a pony tail. His viewpoint changed so now he was standing in the back of the diner facing the front door. His heart started to race knowing what he was about to see. **_

"_**Jen, no! Get out now!" He tried to warn her but it was like she couldn't hear him. Gibbs tried to run forward but his feet wouldn't move. The door suddenly barged open and three gunman came through. The sound of another door opening caught Gibbs' attention and looked to the side and saw two more men come in with their guns drawn. Shots started firing from all directions and Gibbs couldn't keep up with what was happening. Then the shots stopped, and he saw Jen barely able to stand, looking at the man by the door. Jethro knew what was coming next.**_

_**Jen turned around and looked him right in the eyes and said, "This is for you, Jethro." The man at the door raised his gun and Jethro threw himself forward and then…**_Gibbs woke up violently, sweating and tangled up in his sheets. He felt something warm beside him and for a moment he could have sworn he smelt Jen's perfume, making it seem as though she was there but realized that it was only the pillow beside him. He knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and wandered – if Jen were here – what she would do. She had always been so understanding and caring when he had nightmare about things like Shannon and Kelly though Jenny never knew that. He knew she would be whispering things like 'it's okay' or 'it's over now and there's just you and me'; sometimes she would rub comforting circles on his chest or back; but most of the time she would just bring herself closer and hold him, not saying anything and that was the way he liked it most. What he wouldn't give to have those moments back. He never thought that they were something that he had taken for granted but now he could clearly see how special those moments were.

Gibbs got out of bed knowing he would never get comfortable enough to just lay let alone fall back asleep. The sun was just starting to come up and the sky was getting lighter with the first rays of sunshine. There was sereneness that came only with this time of morning and Gibbs knew exactly how he was going to spend it.

_  
Sometimes it seem if I just dream  
Somehow you would be here_

Gibbs cut the engine and looked around. He couldn't believe that he was here right now. It was hard enough just being at the funeral but coming back to it…he never thought he would be able to do it. Letting out a huge sigh, Gibbs got out of the car but not before grabbing the bouquet of white orchids from the passenger seat.

He walked over to her grave and kneeled down to place the flowers.

"Hey Jen…I had a dream about you last night. And sorta a nightmare too but I wont tell you about that. Though I wish you had been there; I need you when those things happen. I…I need you to hold me Jen." He let off there, realizing how true those words were. He needed her to keep him together; she was like the super glue that held together all his broken pieces.

"Anyways, my dream, it reminded me of that time when we were in English countryside with Ducky and we found that old abandoned barn. You convinced me that there was probably something I would find fascinating in there. And I did, remember that was the night I found out how ticklish you were behind your knees. Ducky didn't see us for the rest of the weekend…and we found out that it really wasn't abandoned when we walked out right when that little old lady was walking in. She had that little knowing grin that made you blush. When she got out of earshot you started laughing uncontrollably.

Wishing I could hear your voice again  
Knowing that I never would

"I wish I could you laugh now Jen. I really need to. Your laugh was contagious and your smile could light up a room. Not to mention make every guy that got a glimpse of it would come and try to win your heart. Even your regular voice was perfect. It helped me get through the night countless times. I want to know what you would be saying about all of this and I know you've got something to say, I just can't hear it. You had a certain way of talking; it just made everyone want to listen. Your voice commanded presence and it demanded attention without making it seem like you wanted everything to be about you. You would give me advice in that voice, though most of the time I didn't take it…" Gibbs looked back at all the times she had shared advice with but because he was Gibbs he would ignore and later after the consequences, would realize she had been right.

_  
Dreaming of you won't help me to do  
All that you dreamed I could_

"Jen I don't think I can do this…I know we weren't like we used to be lately but in our own way we still depended on each other. At least I know I depended on you. I got comfortable with our fights…and I even liked them. And I think you did too. Secretly I bet you loved it when I barged in your door unannounced or cornered you in the elevator. I don't know if you knew this Jen, but I never did that with Director Morrow. Nope, I didn't. I was comfortable with you and I know sometimes it seemed like that meant I didn't respect but that wasn't the case, I respected you a lot. I was damn proud of you. I mean I taught you everything to know about being a field agent but politics…you discovered and got good at them on your own. I had nothing to do with it."

Passing bells and sculpted angels  
Cold and monumental  
Seem for you the wrong companions  
You were warm and gentle

The sun was getting higher but it still wasn't getting any warmer, in fact a wind had started to pick up. Gibbs took off his jacket and laid it over Jen's grave.

"Remember how easily cold you would get? Always having a sweater on hand incase. You know, this place seems a bit cold for you and I don't just mean temperature wise. It's not very inviting. I picture you being on some hill that always had the sun beating down on it with a light cool breeze blowing. Here you don't have much for company and we all know how you like the right type of company. I think you're too good for this place, Jen. I hope up there is much better for you…" His voice trailed off. Gibbs really did hope it was good for her up there so at least on of them could be happy.

Too many years  
Fighting back tears  
Why can't the past just die

Gibbs' body was starting to ache from staying in one position for so long, so he moved right next to her tomb stone and sat down, putting some of his weight against the side of it. He stayed like that for a while, thinking of things he hadn't thought about in a long time. If it weren't for his location and the reason why he was there, Jethro would have thought it was perfect out. He couldn't quite bring himself to enjoy it but for some reason it seemed like he was supposed to. He closed his eyes and allowed his mind to go to a far away place; a place where he and Jen had nothing to worry about. Those many years ago when all they did was love each other, both physically and emotionally. He thought to himself it might be easier if none of it had ever happened and all they really were to each other was director and agent or senior agent and probie. Maybe if they had been as professional as they were supposed to have been he wouldn't be feeling as though a part of him is missing.

"Jen," he started, "do you think it would have been better if nothing ever went on between us? Do you think it would have been better if all we had been were partners?" Instantly a cold wind picked up and Gibbs to that as a sign – not a coincidence – that what they did had been right, at least for them. But secretly he still wished he could go back to when he had woken up from his coma and couldn't remember a thing about her. At least then he wouldn't have to be going through this hell. As quickly as the thought entered his mind though, it left. He knew those memories are what was going to keep him together this time and he wouldn't trade them for anything. In the time that they had been together, they had shared some of the most intimate things and that is what he would remember.

_  
Wishing you were somehow here again  
Knowing we must say goodbye  
Try to forgive, teach me to live  
Give me the strength to try_

"God Jen why can't you just come back once. Just to tell me what to do. You always wanted to do that and now's your chance. You gotta help me through this because I can't do this alone. I need you here with me, to make me better. I'm not strong enough to handle this, I don't want to handle this, I just want it all to go away and I want you to come back. You have to help me not be angry at the world, I don't want this to be like Shannon and Kelly's death. Natasha is dead and I have nothing to give me closure anymore. You need to do something to make this easier. Find someway to do that. Please." He said the last part at a whisper, not believing everything that had just come out of his mouth.

As he said those things he realized all the other things he wanted to say. He realized he really hadn't dealt with what happened, not in the sense that he should've. But he wanted to be able to accept this and not have to bury his sorrows in alcohol and he didn't want to shut himself away. This was something he was going to deal with head on and not be a coward hiding in the shadows. He took a deep breath and a sudden calmness came over him. Gibbs wasn't sure of what else to talk about so he sat there in contentment, not needing to say anything, just like he and Jen used to do.

_  
No more memories, no more silent tears  
No more gazing across the wasted years  
Help me say goodbye'._

He must have sat there for at least twenty minutes in totally silence. There was a certain peacefulness that he felt and he realized what it was; acceptance. Even though the time that had passed since her death wasn't long at all, he felt like he could think back on the times without feeling bitter or ashamed. He was going to be able to talk about her without wanting to drown himself in bourbon for being reminded of her.

"Jen, I want to thank you for everything you have taught me. Thank you for being here for me right now, I really did need you. I think I'll be able to look back on our memories together without wanting to have a gun in my hand. I'll try not to do anything stupid after I get my family back – our family. I know you thought of them like that too. I mean we were the parents. And I will make sure to give Vance hell for sitting in your chair and redecorating your office. I hope to come back here and maybe I'll even go to Marseilles to where it all started and to Paris to be where it all ended. I won't look back on these things with bitterness. I wish we could have said goodbye properly, or that you had finished that letter. But maybe its better this way, considering we don't have a good track record with saying goodbye." He got from his position and walked to the front of her grave. He took a glance at his coat and decided to leave it. Looking at surroundings he drew in one more breath but for turning to leave. He got about ten feet away when he turned around and came back. Kneeling back down, he laid his hand on her tomb stone and traced her name.

"I came back to say I love you Jenny. Always have, always will."

He got back up and walked towards his car. Before he got in a warm breeze picked up and he could have sworn he heard her laugh carrying in the wind and the smell of her perfume surrounding him. Gibbs smiled a real smile for the first time in three days as he got in the car. He knew Jenny had been there with him.

* * *

**Don't kill me please. But let me know what you think. Even if it's just to tell me I totally just bombed this whole... ( Thanks everyone!**


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